My name is Holly Stoddard Phillips and I love being a Mormon. I am child #6 and so happy to be a part of the line up. :)
I was only 3 at the time that my mom died so I just do not remember. My only memories of Seattle are sitting at the kitchen table for long hours refusing to eat my dinner and playing outside hoping to not be scared again by the neighbor boys who would hide in the dumpster.
Reading my Dad's memories made me think of a conversation I had with my brother-in-law about feeling pain as a missionary. He shared how painful it was to feel like a part of your heart had been carved out. But then he learned that the result was a larger space in your heart that had the capacity to be filled with greater love. When I read about my mom dying and think about my dad living that, I feel so much pain. I feel pain for her to have to leave her husband and 7 children behind. It makes me want to love my 3 children with the kind of love she had. She really, truly loved. It makes me want to cherish my own husband and hold on to that wedding ring with my mom's intensity. Do I realize the blessings I have!?!
It makes me want to have the firm, matter of fact faith that my dad has. I too know that God is in charge. I know His plan is perfect. I know He is there. We read a part of this blog post for our Family Night tonight and sang as our opening song, "Heavenly Father, are you really there?" I chose it because my dad has often told me that is his favorite primary song. I wonder if that is because of what he learned about God in his prayer that day he drove with Allen to the hospital while Mom was on her way to another hospital. "Pray, He is there! Speak, He is listening. You are His child. His love now surrounds you." Do I realize how blessed I am?
One more thought from my mind filled with emotions after feeling like I just experienced over again my mom passing away... I think it is so wise what Dad shared about accepting and moving forward with the reality of life. Even as I was reading this blog post feeling so much pain to think of the death of my mom, to feel the pain Dad felt, to feel my own personal pain, in the midst of all of this, my son woke up crying because he needed a diaper change. After putting my son back in bed, I laughed to myself as I sprayed cleaner all over the bathroom floor to clean up everything. My cheeks had that feeling of dried salt from having been crying just a few minutes before. Yet, there was a mess that needed to get cleaned up and a little 3 year old boy that needed a Mom to help him get back in bed with new dry PJs on. What a great, simple feeling of peace to see his little face snuggling back into his pillow. "I want to love him like Barbara did," I thought. What joy, this plan God has for us!
I love hearing your perspectives of how this experience has affected you. I love your family dearly and am so grateful for the chance that I had to serve my mission with you and then be your roommate after. Your faith and testimony of the gospel plan have strengthened my own in so many ways because you live it and cherish it with joy. I'm sure that's due not only to your dad and Jean but to Barbara as well. I'm grateful to have been able to meet all of your family that are still living. I had an experience once when we lived together in Provo with your mom. You had left in a rush to teach school one morning and later that day I went into your room to make your bed. I felt your mom there in your room and I felt her thank me for being kind to you. I'm glad to see these pictures and the video of her because I can see all of you in her. I see in her your enthusiasm and energy for life and love of family and faith in God and Jesus Christ. I know that she lives and is still very involved with your family. Thank you for sharing your experience! Love you!
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